Building Resilience in Children and Teens: 10 Proven Ways to Help Them Thrive
1. Understanding the Body and Stress Response
When we teach children about their bodies, we empower them to see that they are in control. First, children must learn about THEIR body's responses to stress. We explain that the body becomes numb and disconnected or overactive and overstimulated. No matter how loud we say, “calm down”, if the body still senses danger or fear, it cannot think clearly. As a result, we often experience the inability to calm our bodies, thoughts, emotions, and feelings. We teach them how to track and manage their minds and bodies. When describing this, I will often use ladder drawings to show how stress may activate a specific child's body. Then we talk about ways to use skills to help them calm down. For example, walking, deep breathing, yoga, and meditation can help calm the brain. This will help us think clearly and make better decisions, especially when we need to in the face of adversity. You can read more here about bodily regulation through yoga and meditation.
The second part of the body is co-regulation with the adult. Suppose an adult can have a calm nervous system when talking about challenging scenarios or occurrences. In that case, the child's body's mirror neurons will pick up the adult's regulated nervous system, allowing them to calm down more manageably. Regulation of the body gives people power and control over their situations.
Practical tips:
Track bodily responses using simple tools like ladder drawings.
Practice calming techniques: walking, deep breathing, yoga, or meditation.
Model co-regulation: When adults remain calm, children’s nervous systems mirror that regulation.
By understanding their bodies, children gain a sense of power and control over their reactions to adversity.
2. Acceptance and Celebration of Individuality
When families talk about accepting people (not tolerating), we celebrate who people are and what people do. That begins with the child in front of us. When we accept our children for who they are, we send a message that we are celebrating their existence. If they love to dance, bring them to classes, if they excel in soccer, sign them up for a team. When we begin to accept who they are, this helps mitigate the prevailing thought, "Am I good enough?" Celebration and acceptance also allow us to move into a more loving and anti-racist world. This helps a child feel worthy, which makes a child's resiliency grow!
Practical tips:
Encourage hobbies like dance, sports, or music.
Validate their choices and achievements.
Promote an anti-racist, inclusive perspective to strengthen their sense of self-worth.
Acceptance teaches children that they are valued, which boosts resilience.
3. Discussing Beliefs and Values
Having open discussions around the family beliefs and values help guide their actions when faced with difficult decisions. Ideas such as healthy boundaries, ignoring mean behaviors, and understanding that hurt people hurt people are easy beliefs that adults can communicate appropriately to children. Values such as integrity, honesty, kindness, and faith are just a few that can be discussed regularly, even at a family meeting during dinner. Beliefs and values help resiliency as it helps remind children who they are, that they come from a strong foundation, and are capable of healthy decision-making.
Practical tips:
Teach boundaries and respectful behavior.
Discuss core values: honesty, integrity, kindness, faith.
Use family meetings to reinforce these lessons.
Strong values help children navigate challenges with confidence and clarity.
4. Healthy Family Involvement
When working with children, healthy family involvement is key to growth and resiliency. Healthy family involvement can be defined as a non-judgemental interest in a child's health and well-being without micromanaging or overbearing. Healthy family involvement conveys that we want to be a part of their lives as adults. When we ask questions about what they are reading, watching, or listening to, this helps build a connection while knowing and making sure what they are consuming via devices is appropriate and safe. Healthy family involvement builds self-esteem and self-worth, which helps build resilient children.
Practical tips:
Show interest in their reading, media, and social interactions.
Use car rides to have meaningful conversations. The car is key. Provide rides home to friends and your child, as you will hear what is happening within and outside their social circle (they may even ask for your thoughts!). You can ask questions and have meaningful conversations as kids feel safe. Listen to their music or podcasts. All helpful in learning about your child!
Listen to music or podcasts together to learn about their world.
Children feel supported, valued, and better equipped to handle adversity.
5. Naming Feelings
Dr. Brene Brown studied emotions and mapped out 87 emotions. Most adults were said to have named only three emotions. When we identify and discuss feelings, we take away the confusion in the body and brain. There is a great deal of power in knowing our feelings. Our bodies search for meaning and order, and this type of identification allows us to think clearer and understand the self. Our efforts and energy can be used in better, more resilient ways when we do not have to wade through the muddy waters of emotions.
Practical tips:
Teach children to label feelings using age-appropriate language.
Discuss emotional experiences regularly.
Normalize the full range of emotions—happy, sad, frustrated, or anxious.
This builds emotional intelligence and resilience by helping kids respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
6. Normalizing Mistakes: “Fail Forward”
When we allow children to figure out complex situations, they fail and learn. A terrific mentor of mine over the years has used the term "Fail Forward." When we take the fear out of mistakes and failure, we have the confidence to make big moves without fear. Resilient children aren't afraid to make mistakes. They think big and know that it is all a part of the process of growing.
Practical tips:
Encourage risk-taking in safe situations.
Model a growth mindset.
Celebrate effort, not just outcomes.
Teaching children that failure is part of growth reduces fear and fosters confidence.
7. Sitting in Discomfort
If a child makes a mistake, we as parents must avoid rescuing them. We must allow them to sit in their discomfort as there is gold in the discomfort. They are expanding their window of tolerance. They learn that these feelings pass when they can sit through difficult emotions. These children also do not seek out external coping (smoking, drinking, food, risky behaviors) to either numb them or calm them. They rely on the fact that their families have their back and their coping skills. This is another step towards resiliency if a child can sit through complicated feelings and emotions. One important caveat, a child may communicate verbally or non-verbally that they cannot cope with these emotions; this is when we step in as regulated adults to help them calm their nervous system and/or personally intervene.
Practical tips:
Allow children to solve problems independently.
Support them verbally or non-verbally as needed.
Teach coping skills to manage emotions effectively.
Experiencing and navigating discomfort builds emotional resilience and self-reliance.
8. Skill Building for Real-World Challenges
We may provide children with the beliefs and values on how to deal with adversity, but sometimes it rises to the level of intervention. We must teach children skills to help themselves when bullying occurs, or their friends are not making good choices. It is essential to learn to safely leave situations or get an adult's attention without looking like they are "telling on someone." Having passwords with your children to help get them out of situations or yelling "HEY, STOP IT!" around adults helps get them help when they need it. Children then feel a sense of power that allows for resiliency.
Practical tips:
Role-play scenarios to practice assertive communication.
Use safe words or signals for emergencies.
Encourage seeking help without fear of judgment.
Real-world skills give children a sense of agency, which strengthens resilience.
9. Stop and Think: Building Cognitive Resilience
Sesame Street had a fantastic Cookie Monster and Smart Cookies segment. This cute segment would invite viewers to stop and think things through. Now, we can use these skills in a few ways. Taking a moment to give space to reaction and response is brilliant. This allows us to operate from the frontal lobe-more rational and calmer part of the brain than the emotional brain. It teaches us there is space between the reaction and the response. The second allows us to use it when we hear mean or disheartening things about ourselves. It will enable us to search for truth and facts about who we are (refer back to values and beliefs). As adults, we use discernment when we hear false stories or tales. When children hear mean things about themselves, I encourage them to stop and think about who they are. This helps maintain a resilient, healthy sense of self.
Practical tips:
Practice “stop and think” exercises inspired by educational media.
Discuss consequences and options before taking action.
Connect reflections to their values and beliefs.
Pausing develops rational decision-making skills, enhancing long-term resilience.
10. Therapy and Professional Support
The way therapy builds resilience is through the intervention and, most importantly, the relationship. Therapy is a beautiful space for the exploration of self. Skills are not only introduced but they are practiced. The therapist working with you helps build your natural talents and focuses on your gifts. For those unsure about what therapy is, please click here to read about what to expect in therapy. Therapy builds a person's resiliency by showing them that they are in control and how power over their situations.
Practical tips:
Engage children in age-appropriate therapy sessions.
Reinforce skills learned in therapy at home.
Focus on strengths and coping strategies.
Therapy equips children with tools to navigate adversity and fosters confidence in their ability to handle challenges.
For Parents: Additional Tips for Building Resilience in Children and Teens
Building resiliency is an ongoing process utilized well into adulthood. Resilient children recover better from adverse experiences, push themselves out of their comfort zones to grow, and foster and encourage this behavior in others. This will amount to good human beings that are happy and successful. Feel free to reach out with questions or other great additions to this list!
Model resilience yourself; children learn by example.
Encourage social connections with peers and mentors.
Provide safe opportunities for independence.
Regularly reinforce successes, small and large.
Resilience is a lifelong skill. By nurturing it in children and teens, you are helping them grow into happy, capable, and confident adults.
FAQs About Building Resilience in Children and Teens
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Resilience is the ability to adapt, recover, and grow from adversity, challenges, or setbacks.
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Resilience can be taught from early childhood. Even toddlers benefit from learning coping skills and emotional regulation.
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Encourage independence, label emotions, model problem-solving, and provide consistent support.
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Yes, therapy teaches coping strategies, emotional regulation, and confidence in handling challenges.
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Viewing mistakes as learning opportunities reduces fear of failure and builds confidence to face future challenges.
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Understanding and naming feelings allows children to manage reactions, make thoughtful decisions, and develop emotional intelligence.