Building Resiliency in Children
Every parent's true wish for their child is to be a good human being, happy and successful. This idea may seem simplistic, but if we were to take away the excess and focus on the true essence of their wishes, these factors above would stand out as the brightest stars. Being a therapist who has worked with hundreds of people over the years, I can assess how people achieve the abovementioned goals. The one common denominator of these objectives is resiliency in the face of adversity.
Suffering is inevitable. This concept may seem macabre, but it is a fact that humans do not go through life unscathed. We witness and experience many hardships. Resiliency is how we can bounce back from the difficulties we face. So how can we, as parents, therapists, family members, and caregivers, help build resilient kids?
Below are ten ways we can help build these beautiful skills in those children we care about in our worlds.
Knowing the Body. When we teach children about their bodies, we empower them to see that they are in control. First, children must learn about THEIR body's responses to stress. We explain that the body becomes numb and disconnected or overactive and overstimulated. No matter how loud we say, “calm down”, if the body still senses danger or fear, it cannot think clearly. As a result, we often experience the inability to calm our bodies, thoughts, emotions, and feelings. We teach them how to track and manage their minds and bodies. When describing this, I will often use ladder drawings to show how stress may activate a specific child's body. Then we talk about ways to use skills to help them calm down. For example, walking, deep breathing, yoga, and meditation can help calm the brain. This will help us think clearly and make better decisions, especially when we need to in the face of adversity. You can read more here about bodily regulation through yoga and meditation. The second part of the body is co-regulation with the adult. Suppose an adult can have a calm nervous system when talking about challenging scenarios or occurrences. In that case, the child's body's mirror neurons will pick up the adult's regulated nervous system, allowing them to calm down more manageably. Regulation of the body gives people power and control over their situations.
Acceptance and Celebration-When families talk about accepting people (not tolerating), we celebrate who people are and what people do. That begins with the child in front of us. When we accept our children for who they are, we send a message that we are celebrating their existence. If they love to dance, bring them to classes, if they excel in soccer, sign them up for a team. When we begin to accept who they are, this helps mitigate the prevailing thought, "Am I good enough?" Celebration and acceptance also allow us to move into a more loving and anti-racist world. This helps a child feel worthy, which makes a child's resiliency grow!
Beliefs and Values-Having open discussions around the family beliefs and values help guide their actions when faced with difficult decisions. Ideas such as healthy boundaries, ignoring mean behaviors, and understanding that hurt people hurt people are easy beliefs that adults can communicate appropriately to children. Values such as integrity, honesty, kindness, and faith are just a few that can be discussed regularly, even at a family meeting during dinner. Beliefs and values help resiliency as it helps remind children who they are, that they come from a strong foundation, and are capable of healthy decision-making.
Healthy Family Involvement-When working with children, healthy family involvement is key to growth and resiliency. Healthy family involvement can be defined as a non-judgemental interest in a child's health and well-being without micromanaging or overbearing. Healthy family involvement conveys that we want to be a part of their lives as adults. When we ask questions about what they are reading, watching, or listening to, this helps build a connection while knowing and making sure what they are consuming via devices is appropriate and safe. Healthy family involvement builds self-esteem and self-worth, which helps build resilient children.
HUGE TIP...the car is key. Provide rides home to friends and your child, as you will hear what is happening within and outside their social circle (they may even ask for your thoughts!). You can ask questions and have meaningful conversations as kids feel safe. Listen to their music or podcasts. All helpful in learning about your child!
Naming Feelings- Dr. Brene Brown studied emotions and mapped out 87 emotions. Most adults were said to have named only three emotions. When we identify and discuss feelings, we take away the confusion in the body and brain. There is a great deal of power in knowing our feelings. Our bodies search for meaning and order, and this type of identification allows us to think clearer and understand the self. Our efforts and energy can be used in better, more resilient ways when we do not have to wade through the muddy waters of emotions.
Normalizing Mistakes- When we allow children to figure out complex situations, they fail and learn. A terrific mentor of mine over the years has used the term "Fail Forward." When we take the fear out of mistakes and failure, we have the confidence to make big moves without fear. Resilient children aren't afraid to make mistakes. They think big and know that it is all a part of the process of growing.
Sitting in Discomfort-If a child makes a mistake, we as parents must avoid rescuing them. We must allow them to sit in their discomfort as there is gold in the discomfort. They are expanding their window of tolerance. They learn that these feelings pass when they can sit through difficult emotions. These children also do not seek out external coping (smoking, drinking, food, risky behaviors) to either numb them or calm them. They rely on the fact that their families have their back and their coping skills. This is another step towards resiliency if a child can sit through complicated feelings and emotions. One important caveat, a child may communicate verbally or non-verbally that they cannot cope with these emotions; this is when we step in as regulated adults to help them calm their nervous system and/or personally intervene.
Skill Building- We may provide children with the beliefs and values on how to deal with adversity, but sometimes it rises to the level of intervention. We must teach children skills to help themselves when bullying occurs, or their friends are not making good choices. It is essential to learn to safely leave situations or get an adult's attention without looking like they are "telling on someone." Having passwords with your children to help get them out of situations or yelling "HEY, STOP IT!" around adults helps get them help when they need it. Children then feel a sense of power that allows for resiliency.
Stop and Think-Sesame Street had a fantastic Cookie Monster and Smart Cookies segment. This cute segment would invite viewers to stop and think things through. Now, we can use these skills in a few ways. Taking a moment to give space to reaction and response is brilliant. This allows us to operate from the frontal lobe-more rational and calmer part of the brain than the emotional brain. It teaches us there is space between the reaction and the response. The second allows us to use it when we hear mean or disheartening things about ourselves. It will enable us to search for truth and facts about who we are (refer back to values and beliefs). As adults, we use discernment when we hear false stories or tales. When children hear mean things about themselves, I encourage them to stop and think about who they are. This helps maintain a resilient, healthy sense of self.
Therapy-The way therapy builds resilience is through the intervention and, most importantly, the relationship. Therapy is a beautiful space for the exploration of self. Skills are not only introduced but they are practiced. The therapist working with you helps build your natural talents and focuses on your gifts. For those unsure about what therapy is, please click here to read about what to expect in therapy. Therapy builds a person's resiliency by showing them that they are in control and how power over their situations.
Building resiliency is an ongoing process utilized well into adulthood. Resilient children recover better from adverse experiences, push themselves out of their comfort zones to grow, and foster and encourage this behavior in others. This will amount to good human beings that are happy and successful. Feel free to reach out with questions or other great additions to this list!