Dealing with Toxicity During the Holidays
I have been BUSY during this holiday season. Sadly, many people in therapy and the yoga studio deal with difficult family members. As you can imagine, this often creates an environment of anxiety and depression during a time that is supposed to be joyous and full of gratitude. Below are a few tips and tricks to cope with toxicity during the holidays.
What defines toxicity in families and close ones? How do people respond to toxic people?
Toxic families and close ones significantly differ in values from you. Often, the people I see in therapy will cite hearing racist, mean, derogatory, oppressive, sexist, discriminatory, passive-aggressive, and abusive words or behaviors. (As a side note, I do not use the term homophobic. By definition, phobia means fear. People who speak or treat the LGBTQIA+ community disrespectfully or abusively do it from a place of cruelty, not fear.) Fights, mean comments, or sharing inappropriate thoughts are some of the overt behaviors displayed in these interactions. They often attempt to engage in battles or heated arguments without concern for other people's feelings. They would instead voice their thoughts than respect people's boundaries. They have no regard for the idea of intent versus impact. Responses to this behavior range from feeling abused to slightly annoyed. Hurt feelings, fear, anxiousness, or depressive symptoms can arise when even thinking about the interactions. No matter where you land on the response spectrum, you have a right to feel, how you think, and decide how to respond accordingly.
Why do we see an increase in toxicity, and why does it come out during the holidays?
We have seen a significant decrease in empathy since the elections occurred in 2016 (even earlier). People stopped hiding their bigotry, abusive, and racist behaviors, blaming it on politics. Either we did not associate with people like this, or we had no idea to what level people were this toxic.
Proximity to those you may not see often is one of the main reasons toxicity comes out during the holidays. You are simply around people who you may not regularly see by choice. Another factor can be alcohol. If people are over-consuming alcohol during family functions, intoxicated people may diminish their ability to self-censor. These factors can make it difficult to endure and deal with during that time.
What can we do to prepare our minds and bodies for a potentially toxic interaction?
Self Work before the Dinner:
Take nothing personally ever in this life. When encountering a toxic person, it has nothing to do with us and speaks volumes about them.
Always use your words well and with intention. We cannot hurt others when we are hurt.
Think about expectations from the dinner and from the people who will be there. If we know that a particular family member speaks disrespectfully, we have to expect them to speak this way. We must prepare our bodies and minds to hear mean or disrespectful things to protect ourselves. This is not condoning the behavior; it is protecting our mental health. By no way am I saying people cannot change. Many people have seen the error of their ways. But we have to be prepared for what we may encounter.
Know your body and the messages it sends when it is too much, and you must remove yourself from a space.
Practice non-judgmental unconditional compassion for self and others. If we respond in a certain way, it is okay. However, we hope they will one day see how hurtful their words and actions are to other people.
Thinking about the family members that will be there that may be like-minded will help endure a toxic family dinner.
Engage in regulating activities that will help keep you grounded during the dinner. You would never want to meet people in arguments and hurt others. Breathing, saying mantras, and zipping up your emotions bubble so negativity won't infiltrate your bubble. Anything you feel will protect you during this time is vital to PRACTICE before the encounters.
Planning and being Proactive for the time of the dinner:
Bring pictures, ideas, or artwork around something you are proud of if you believe people will receive it well and will be excited about your excitement.
Suggest new traditions such as gratitude conversations or discussing goals you wish to work on as a family discussion.
Have ideas for movies or shows that everyone could watch.
Games that can bring people together is a winning idea.
In the moment of the toxic interactions:
When people are saying concerning things, you can ask them, "Help me understand…." Then, let them begin to try to explore their thoughts.
Knowing some of the arguments, they may discuss come with facts researched by articles.
Letting people know that their words may be offensive. For example, "I know that you would never want to hurt anyone, and I want to let you know that your words_______ hurt because_________."
Alternative ideas!
Don't go to the dinners!
Have other plans with friends.
Have a night of a great home-cooked meal or a restaurant takeout you enjoy.
Remember, it's just another ordinary Thursday night. You can make it what you want.
How can people decide to skip a toxic encounter on a holiday?
When discussing the options of skipping family holidays, we first check in with the person's body. Do you feel anxious or nervous or sad and overwhelmed when you are even thinking about seeing certain family members? Does your body also send you messages such as a high heart rate, rapid breathing, or exhaustion and overwhelm when planning the holiday meal? We take this all into consideration when we begin to make the decision. If our bodies automatically respond to being in the presence of a toxic family, we must think about our mental health and well-being.
The question I ask the people I see for therapy and yoga is, "Lesser of two evils, being alone or being in their toxic presence for a meal"? For everyone, that answer is different, and they must make the best decision for themselves during that specific time. I tell people to be okay if that decision changes year to year or month to month. What we can endure may be different during different seasons of our life.
Ultimately we must protect our minds, bodies, and souls during the holiday season. So no matter your decision, make sure you feel at peace. Good luck!
As counselors and trauma-informed yoga instructors, we are always here to support you and your decisions; reach out if you want to explore support.